Navigating Relationships with a Dismissive or Fearful-Avoidant Partner or Friend

Relationships are one of the most meaningful parts of our lives, but they can also be some of the most challenging. When you find yourself in a relationship, whether a friendship or a romantic partnership with someone who has a dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment style, it can feel confusing, frustrating, and even lonely at times.

Understanding what these patterns look like and learning how to care for yourself in the relationship is key.

What Does Avoidant Attachment Look Like?

1. Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

Someone with this style often:

• Values independence over closeness.

• Struggles with expressing emotions or vulnerability.

• Pulls away when relationships feel “too close” or emotionally demanding.

• May minimize their own feelings and yours, giving off the impression that they “don’t care.”

2. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment (also known as disorganized attachment)

Someone with this style often:

• Craves closeness but fears getting hurt.

• Sends mixed signals — drawing near, then pushing away.

• Has difficulty trusting others, even those who show consistency.

• Can appear hot-and-cold, which can feel destabilizing for the relationship.

Red Flags and Signs to Notice

If you’re in a relationship with someone with avoidant tendencies, you may notice:

• Feeling like you’re always the one reaching out.

• A lack of deep emotional conversations.

• Moments of closeness followed by sudden distance.

• Feeling dismissed when you share your needs or emotions.

• Walking on eggshells to avoid pushing them away.

What You Can Do

1. Don’t Take It Personally

Avoidant behaviors are rooted in early attachment experiences, not in your worth or value. Their pulling away is often about their fear of closeness, not a reflection of your loveability.

2. Communicate Clearly, Without Pressure

Use “I” statements to express your needs:

• “I feel disconnected when we don’t talk about what’s bothering us.”

• “I need consistency to feel safe in this relationship.”

This approach helps you share your feelings without placing blame.

3. Honor Your Own Needs

It’s easy to lose yourself while trying to keep the peace. Ask yourself:

• Am I getting the emotional intimacy I need?

• Am I silencing my own voice to avoid conflict?

• Am I constantly waiting for them to change?

Your needs matter.

4. Create Safe Opportunities for Connection

Avoidant individuals often struggle when emotions feel overwhelming. Instead of pressing them in heated moments, create calmer opportunities:

• Go for a walk and talk side-by-side.

• Ask gentle, open-ended questions instead of demanding answers.

• Allow pauses and silence without rushing to fill them.

5. Set Boundaries

If the relationship is leaving you drained, boundaries are essential. This might mean:

• Limiting how much you chase or pursue when they pull away.

• Communicating what you will and will not accept in the relationship.

• Making space for yourself and your healing.

6. Encourage Professional Support

Growth is possible — but it often takes intentional work. Therapy can help someone with avoidant tendencies explore their fears of intimacy and learn safer ways to connect.

Final Thoughts

Being in a relationship with someone who is dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. It’s important to remember: you cannot heal their attachment wounds for them. What you can do is care for yourself, communicate openly, and set boundaries that protect your well-being.

Healthy love is consistent, safe, and mutual. If you find yourself constantly feeling unseen, unheard, or undervalued, it may be time to step back and reflect on whether this relationship aligns with your needs and values.

✨ At the end of the day, you deserve relationships that feel steady, supportive, and nurturing.

— Truly Her Counseling 💕